I am in debt.
I have an old car.
Not part of Grad school/GA community
Not getting as much access to professors: mentorship, friendship, etc..
Having to work off campus.
Blow to ego, confidence and self esteem.
*Colleage at work tells me it is all a popularity contest.
*Another peer tells me that I (including him) just don't have the connections.
* Mom tells me that a third of all positions don't materialize due to lack of funding, another third are nepotistic or given to friends of the those in power, and the rest of us are fighting over that last third.
* My partner tells me that they use the positions to lure people in and since I am already here, why fund me since I have few other options?
*My advisor says I don't have the GPA, yet I was good enough for NAU and Antioch... just not here.
So my obsession with being locked out/left out of the Country Club of academia continues
But I can console myself realizing that I only have another year or two where I have to stay here then I can finish my dissertation elsewhere.
I will have the pride knowing that I completed this degree under trying circumstances, and worked harder than most of the other students.
My perceptions are probably distorted, and unrealistic, but this is how I feel.
I think I deserve better.
I can pat myself on the back and carry on.
As bad as things may seem
At least I am not in Iraq
or in prison
I am pouting... other people have it worse, much worse.
But I still expect things to be a little more smooth for me.
At least I would like some success in my field for all the anguish I am putting myself through.
Enough whining... I am going to go stuff my face with popcorn and watch Will Smith deal with it all.